The Chai-neese Connection

Quite often,and very justly so,I have been accused of ranting a lot about Asain Femme fatales,leaving their bitter better halves hanging in the air,unnoticed and unmentioned. This post is a humble attempt to set that right.

Asian dudes,Chinkees,Chappa Mookans..no matter how you wanna refer to them,they are there,they are here,they are everywhere..and especially for someone working in the heart of
the International District ( a.k.a Chinatown ) in Seattle,its hard not to notice,observe and form some well-misinformed opinions about them.

So,whats so special about them ? What are they good at that We,the desis can't do ?

Well,for starters,they seem to have got the fact right that a Rose is a Rose is a Rose,only if its spelt and pronounced simply as Rose. Hence, no matter which random Asian dude you stop on the street and ask to introduce himself,hez gonna give you a totally innocuous-sounding normal American name. It doesn't matter that their original name compulsarily has a combination of W,X,Y,or Z;sometimes repeated more than once,they are always going to be Alex,or John or Steve to you.

So, when it comes down to you and an Asian dude at the local disco,who do you think the drunken blond babe is gonna remember; Alex or Srinivasan Parthasarathy.

Even in the case of the very few rare Asians who retain their original names,their names pose a much lesser threat to the people here than us. I had a TA back in my grad-school whose full-name,I swear was only 4 letters long. Thats it, 2 for the first name,2 for the last. Hell,my nick-name is longer than that. Since the people here seem to have a short memory-span for retaining names,there was no surprise who got the TA-ship over the dozen applicants. Of course,the other minor fact was that he truly was a genius at coding,but I shall get to that
later. The fact is,it is much easier to pronounce the Asian dude's english name,or spell out his original name,than trying to call out a desi-dudes first name.

Language is a barrier,rightly so. Even though Indians might excel in English,we falter a little wee-bit when it comes to the languages that matter. Having come from a now computer-savvy part of India,I am not sure if things have changed now. But in my time ( 3 years back ), the average desi-dude starts using the computer only maybe when he is in his first year in college. And 11 times out of 10,it is for watching porn. Like I said,things mite have changed,mebbe guys
now start using the computer much earlier than that,for watching porn ofcourse. But still,the desi-enlightenment does not happen until his 2nd or 3rd year,when he decides to go to SSI or NIIT,because his daavu is going there as well.

On the other hand,I sincerely believe that the order of languages that the Asian learns is as follows : C++,Java,and then Mandarin. Its almost as though the Asian kid is put in front of the monitor and keyboard and left alone to fend himself,and he responds..by coding a perfectly optimized 3D-gaming application that is also capable of doing peer-to-peer file transfers. We,on the other hand,are forever indebted to google,bless the search engine,that feeds many a dubakoor,like ME.

Physical ability,and quite frankly,one's physical appearance is another alluring factor where I feel Asians have an advantage over us. A desi's typical day starts at 9,ends at 5,out of which he has to have 400 coffee/tea breaks,e-mail checks,restroom visits. Have him stay back till 6 or 7,and you can literally see him physically wither away and fall apart. Its almost as though our body clocks are tuned to make us look better and work effectively well (??) in the mornings,and the productivity-graph starts sliding as the day wears along.

They,on the other hand;are seemingly tireless and infallible to physical exhaustion. I know Chinkees,who look the same coming in at 8 am in the morning,and look the same,when I leave,on the rare-late occasion at 6,seemingly appearing to go on and on and on,like a Energizer battery. And the advantage of this is,I am pretty sure they don't take showers every day.
It just doesnt show,or smell. This is where you curse your stars for being born Hairy-Hariprasad. And since pretty much everyone in their family are born-geniuses who look alike,you wont even know if the guy sitting next to you is really your co-worker,or his brother or grand-dad !!!! Thats how uncanny their resemblance is.

Their food,as ghastly smelling as it may be,helps them to a great extent,retain their physical and mental stamina. In my 3 years here in the US, I have not seen an obese or physically exhausted Asain. If at all I did miss seeing one,I guess he was a Nepali. Our Friday-evening badminton sessions at Buffalo usually ended with some random Chinki-pair whooping our asses,and sending us off the main courts. Ofcourse,we would find solace in the consoling fact that we staged a mighty come-back and edged out a narrow victory,when we played against their wives and/or mothers,but still,that their stamina is insanely better than us,is a fact that I am willing to bet on.

The second generation of this new-age immigrants too follow nearly the same trend. More often than not, my observation is that ABCDs' here have a more than fleeting resemblance to the Sri-lankans or the Afro-americans. They tend to be darker than their Aminjikarai-born parents,think its cool to dress up in bling-bling attires,and stroll around like jumbo elephants,wearing their dad's over-sized jeans like lungis.

ABCCs' on the other hand,you guessed it rite,look like their fathers,who in turn looked like their fathers,thus giving a disturbing clone-effect to their family portraits.

Since no post of mine feels complete to me without them..I talk finally abt..
Asian chicks,..drollllll.....aah,they are totally different,but I would love to add here that that perhaps is the only thing that the Indians and Asains agree upon. We both think Asain babes are hot,we both droll over them,and fantasize about them. It doesn't matter to us that our dreams remain dreams,while they execute it in reality. We are content to merely be watchers,and rejoice in the fact that our desi-kudis are never gonna droll over Chinkees,thats about the only solace we have,dont break our hearts gals.

Yaaaawwnnn

Sometimes...
it takes a great man to inspire..and awaken the nearly-dormant..

THE MAN

Vetti Jaya

Got off from work early today,and had a whole list of productive things planned for the evening,ranging from stuff as diverse as..

An Evening Nap - Saayangalam kanda Kanavu serupaala adichi S***la Sunnambu thadavum

Reading other nice blogs - Inspiration comes Super-size

Catching up on tamil/hindi/telugu cinema gossip - idha vida vaazhkaila vera enna velai..

Installing and learning a 3rd party software - work-related stuff - the moment tat last phrase registered itself in my mind,it totally put me off,and this choice was immediately scrapped

But like an aabath-paandhavan,my BitTornado client worked over-time and leeched from several hundred movie-starved torrent-addicts like me,and presented the thiruttu VCD-rip of Thotti Jaya in full clarity.I knew there was a winner then and there..

Thotti Jaya - probably the most poetic name for a movie since En Purushan Edhir Veetu Jannal,this is Simbhu's much-awaited next following Manmadhan. Not with-standing the fact that it was his family who were the ones much-awaiting this movie,I wanted to see it too.

Afterall,the director had made a very likeable Mughavari a few years back with Thalai,which is still remembered by many,and then followed it with a super-dud Kaadhal Sadugudu - which went gudu-gudu from theatres to thirutt-vcd stores to Indhiya Thollai-kaatchigalil mudhal muraiyaaga..naalaikku release aaga pogum padam..indre Sun TV-yil. After Kaadhal Sadagudu,everyone forgot the director,and I am guessing thats probably the reason why he got this movie Thotti Jaya. The Producer might have mistaken him for another new-comer.But since the movie also starred Lathika Gopika,Mesa needed no further encouragement to see it...droolll,jollu mazhai pozhigiradhu,ovvoru thuliyilum.......

The movie started off differently,the young Simbu resorting to violence and rowdyism for survival was told convincingly enough to cause a mini-rebellion in Saravana Bhavan;fortunately,the resistance was quickly quashed,when their owner revealed that it was his life-story that the director had suttu-fied when he came there for story-discussion.

And then quite abruptly,the young kid becomes another young kid with a face-full of hair..for a while,I was thinking that that get-up also was just a flash-back,and the real-hero was perhaps T.R. himself,and I was marvelling at the director's brilliance in finding the perfect kid to play T.R.'s young-days..only later did i realize that...oops,that was the hero of the movie SIMBU.

Talk abt mis-casting,to actually believe that SIMBU is capable of bashing up all the giant moving trees they call rowdies in the movie,is akin to believing I am pimping-gimping with all the Asian babes in my building....hee,hee,hee...seriously,each time he throws one goon to the ground,and admonishes him for not heeding to his warnings,it seemed to me that they were playing a game of Seethangoal,and Simbu was always the catcher,who gets the others out by just touching them.

The story follows the usual norm of tamil cinema,in which,the hero has to be the super-human yet kind-hearted thug,with whom the heroine will fall in love with instantly because he never talks to her,looks at her,sight-adichiffys her or tries to amukks her;
and the heroine will obviously have to be the secret daughter of the hero's boss,who will then turn all his men against the hero,lose most of them in the process,and finally in the end,try to fight the hero and lose his own life at the hero's hands.

But,a couple of scenes were really well-executed.I list them below,and give its signifance,so that it may serve as a (mis)guide when you decide you have nothing else worthwhile to do in life and watch Thotti Jaya.

• Lathika Gopika's performance - she is da SECOND best runner ever on screen..here,i am excluding Ashwini Nachappa,who had her own movie called Ashwini,which was more secretive than the Athipatti ragashiyam. But Gopika rocks...her running is sooooooo graceful,unlike many of the heroines I have seen.

For instance, the worst runner ever is Ms.Button Mooki Devyaani,proof - her running in Kaadhal Koattai climax. I soo wanted the lovers to unite at the end,but when she jumped off the train and started her dash,I believe Ajit got on to the train and hid in the bathroom,screaming Mazhai Nikkardhukulla,Adhu !!!!!!

Next would have to be Jothika - she does twist and squint and swirl her eyes a gazzillion fiffillion times when running,but since her sprint resembles a white-sintex tank rolling full-steam,I cannot bring myself to watch it on-screen.

Then comes Manisha Koiralaa..agreed she looked divine in the Uyire uyire song with Arvind Saamy,but the interlude in between,Ohh Myy Goddd !!!

On the other hand,the BESTESTEST runner ever imho is Simran,..close your eyes..Yengenge Yengenge - Surya-Simran -Nerukku Ner.can you imagine the TWO...long legs,it made me stop laughing at Mr.Surya's pants which were up all the way to his chest.

Anyways,coming back to Gopika,she looks very pretty in the movie,well,that means nothing comin from me,since every heroine in every movie looks pretty to me..tat is the manufacturing defect...and also emotes well,but her crying scenes are a bit too much though,but it was understandable,since she thought she mite have to kiss Simbu on the cheeks..imagine a mouth full of hair..yuckkkk,who can not cry thinking about that ???

• R.D.Rajasekhar's cinematography - this guy roxx..seriously,his lighting sense is amazing,even in the thiruttu-vcd print,it was soo wonderful.This plus,the snazzy cuts in the editing,make some ordinary scenes look better.

• Lack of any comedy track - for a change,a movie without a meaning-less and stale Vivek or Vadivelu track,I found it appealling,some may not. For those who miss comedy,imagine this scenario,when Simbu menacingly warns the rowdies to leave him alone,think of T.R. suddenly bursting onto the screen and dancing to Dandakku Dumbukku Gubbukku..you will be ROTFLLLL.

• The Uyire-Ennuyire track - hands-down the best romantic number I have heard in the last few months,this number oozes romance,and the Karthik-Bombay Jayshree-Anuradha Sriram combination is sheer magic..Sadly in my 2.2 hour version,I could not get to see all the songs,hence I don't even know if the Yaaridamum song is there in the movie,and if so,where it fits in..but that was a nice number too.
  

• The scene in the bar where SIMBU convinces the goons hired from Madurai to join his side - this proves true the words that the mahaa-kavi Sundali Chitthar told to his disciples in 1400 A.D..Quarter Monitorum Beerum vaangi kodutha,Keadi Kepmaari kooda kavundadichi namma katchikku vandhruvaan.
  

All said and done,I appreciate the cast and crew for the different effort.Though the movie seems to be an attempt to fuse the gangster elements you see in Sathya/company or the million spin-offs that bollywood churns out every other week...with the fast-paced action from Dharani's movies like Dhool and Ghilli,the marriage is a not-so-fulfilling one,it appeals in places,but not wholly.

Sivacheee

Ah,the Sweet month of September..although it has nothing special to do in my life,or anything to do with this blog,September is mentioned here,since its the only month starting with an 'S'..as have most of the thoughts,that keep popping in my mind lately..

Let me see,

Saapaadu..
..yeah,tats obvious..since even Confucius says..He who cooks eats well,whilst the one who sucks, falls into a well,and goes to hell,banging his head against the london bell..

Scantily-clad Sexy South-Asian Sirens..
..since i attribute this partly to the serene surroundings in Seattle,and mostly to the last ten years of my horny life,I do not wish to discuss this..well,atleast rite now..

SIVAJI....
..yaaaaaaaaaaay,....thalaivaaaaaaaaaaaaar's next super-duper-hit.

...not a day passes by without my checking all the cine-ma-sala sites,for any hint of reliable news about SIVAJI,or its star-cast or story-line. I do agree that these are all irrelevant aspects which one need not bother with,especially since its confirmed that Rajini is acting in it. I am pretty sure,that even the STAR-banner animation that announces Super-Star to the accompaniment of 12-merry men chorussing Hey Hey..will see the movie through to its hundredth day.

But still,since I am a movie-fan along with being a Rajini fanatic,I keep wondering what ace could Shankar have-up his sleeves now. His previous efforts have led me to genuinely doubt his credibility as a creative-director,I have felt that his imagination has been stead-fastly decreasing,thrusting him into a vicious cirlce of boring repetitiveness,that he tries to unsuccessfully cover-up with unwanted grandeur.

SIVAJI is,by no means,an ordinary movie. The very mention of a Rajini-Shankar-AVM and quite possibly ARR combination,is electrifying and this should provide fodder enough for Shankar to come up with his best ever.

hee hee hee,but in case he needs some help...here are some (un)inspired (un)inspiring thoughts..

The Serious Version - SIVAJI - the Savior

Disclaimer/WARNING:This is not entirely my own thought. The source of (mis)information reportedly is Dina-Kiran,as was told to me by my brother-in-law,who is as fanatic about Thalaivar as I am. He gave me a brief and concise one-liner. The meaningless and unnecessary verbosity,as always,remains mine.

Each man's journey in life,is a quest for self-realization. Who he is,how he came to be,what was the purpose of his birth,life and death,is a question very few people try to seek out answers for.
If understanding the purpose of one person's life is in itself,a daunting task,imagine a man,who sets out on a journey,not to discover the reason of his own existence,but that of his SEVEN look-alikes in various parts of the world.

How he tracks each one of those seven men down,in a different continent in the world,and helps each of those seven men understand the meaning behind their lives,and ultimately,understands the purpose of his own life,is what the crux of SIVAJI - the Savior is all about.

The Satire Version - SIVAJI - the Shave-hair

Disclaimer/WARNING: Meant to be taken with liberal over-doses of sportive-humor,the following is purely a figment(al) of my imagination. You agree that by reading the following satire,you forfeit the right to send autos to my house,or viruses to my laptop.

The opening scene is set in a trendy-urbane mall,in the heart of chennai,Dumming-Kuppam. Various human-forms resembling their hirsute ancestors,wait anxiously for the small 8*8 shop to open,and then the camera zooms upwards to show a single board with the himalayas in the background..

SIVAJI Saloons

ingu mudi mattum alla,manidhanum thiruttapadum

Some wise-crack panjayaathu gumbal-goshti character smirks and remarks who Sivaji is..why is the entire city waiting for him to come and give them a hair-cut and where is he now ?

"Palaar"..our very own youth-star Koundar enters the scene,slapping and bad-mouthing the extra artist with his trade-mark drainage-vocabulary and ridiculing him for his barren-head;whilst making sure his own wig stays properly on his head.

He is cut-off by Nambiar,who says..that the day is a very special day..it is Sivaji's best friend,philosopher and mis-guide Sarath-babu's birth-day,and that SIVAJI has gone to Sarathbabu's palatial bungalow to give him a trendy hair-cut and will be along in just a while.

Meanwhile,Sarath Babu wakes up,and also adjusts his wig,getting ready to have it cut by SIVAJI,but is rudely told-off his mother Sri Vidhya,who in reality,is younger than him,that a low-class no-name mortal like SIVAJI should not enter their house,and not be friends with her princely-son.


"yaay,T****** M******,en thalaivana yaa thittra,vaadi vella,unna saavidakirean"..extra fittings from angry makkal in the theatre..

Sadly though,Sarath babu's desire to meet his friend is not fulfilled,as a small boy comes in and hands a sheet to him,and shows him the thalaivar-style salute,which actually looks more like flicking him..Sarath opens the note with trembling hands,and reads out the note..

"Katrina Chennai-kadal noakki vandhutu irukku..
naan poi oru kaatu kaatrina seriya poidum..
why fear,when SIVAJI is here"

Sarath smiles through misty-moist eyes..and starts to question his own sexuality...something that the tamil-naatu makkal have been doing for years..but Srividya hatches a villi-plan to kill Sivaji then and there. She puts a conference-call to other fallen-villis like Gandhimadhi,Vadivukarasi,Sorna-akka and they ask her to send out radharavi,anandraj, mansur ali khan and ponnambalam in a kutty kathie-kappal to finish off SIVAJI in the deep-waters of the ocean..

Shankar the director takes over here,and creates a totally unneccesary and ridiculously expensive(producer mottai) fight scene,with thalaivar battling it out against all the baddies and 200 Chinese mottai-chaamis and also 2 anacondas - all in the sea,underneath water..

Shankar to AVM: Sir,idhu maadhri fight tamil cinema la yevanum panniruka maatan..neenga engayo poiduveenga..
AVM: enga? pichakaarathanama roatukku thaane..ippo kai-katty nikaren,apporam kai-yendhi nippen
Shankar: Sir,illati pudhumaya indha fight-a naama vandhu 7 planets la vechi edupoma..nalaikku kelambinaa kooda 6 varushatula naama Mars poidalaam..angendhu Jupiterku oru jump..anga oru 32 varusham..angendhu Pluto-la oru auto song..
AVM: Ennoda Josiyar appove sonnar,enakku 7 1/2 naatu sani aarambichiduhcu nu..naan appo nambala..ahdellam venam ya..nee thanni kullaye indha pun*****,saari sandaiya mudi..


Finally,thalaivar emerges out of the water,successfully defeating the baddies,and tying all of them with one anaconda,and using the other anaconda to stir up a mini-twister in the water..that neutralizes the approaching Katrina...thus giving birth to the new kezha-mozhi of the millinium..

Thanniya Thanniyaala thaan Anaikka Mudiyum

may be continued....if i m still alive in the days to come..

MEn and the Art of Digestive-Cycle Maintenance

Guys love cooking...I mean other's cooking.

To me,it shall forever remain one of the wonderful mysteries of nature..
How something as uninspiring looking as a couple of potatoes,and a few onions..turn into a wonderfully-tasting Urulaikazhangu Fry...is beyond comphrension to me..

My two years in Buffalo is a testament to my survival skills..on the very rare and misfortunate occasion that my cooking turn came up,my roomies got a taste of an artfully prepared Vengaaya Vatha Rasam..and Boiled Eggs - b'coz hey,egg is good for health..and tat rasam thingey is better than eating rice alone..

And when the weekends came,it was survival tactics at the extreme..me n my roomie..who is as bad at cookin as I am..the two of us..used to hold in our hunger till arnd 12 in the afternoon..and my other roomie..whoz by far the best cook ever in our gang...would curse all of us..and make the first step..by cleaning out the vessels..

That would be the signal for me n my buddy to run to the kitchen..and help out with the cooking(??)..I would take over the cleaning job..whilst he would cook rice to perfection..and our super-cook would make Muttagose-kootu and Garbanzo beans...and we would all happily eat together...ahhh,the good ol' times..

After we moved to different houses in Buffalo,I was again in a predicament..should I start all over again...try to attempt the impossible..or just improvise the situation..and wisely,I chose the latter..enacting a modern-day Maadhu-vandurukean..

Maadhu-vandhurukean - copyright K.Balachander and Nagesh..and copied-rights to me..involves a subtle portrayal of a friend..who drops in to visit you,just as you are settling down to eat..the trick is...the stage is set to different houses each day..so that you dont find yourself face-to-face with any of your annoyed friends' neighbors' dog..which suddenly is let loose..

But since times have changed..I have been forced to face the tormenting task on my own..

Whenever I enter my kitchen,there is a silent shudder..both from me..and my kitchen..its almost as though they fear a vicious attack..the vessels somehow congregate and mysteriously hide themselves..and each attempt of mine to get the proper gear assembled...for the sacrifice..is met with the utmost of stiff-resistance..I pull at a frying pan,and it sends out scape-goats like spoons or forks aimed at my eyes in retaliation..the spatula tries to hide behind the cutting board..knowing thats a place I never ever would dream of looking....the vegetables,if at all there are any,put on their greenest face...and gawk at me with fungus-inflicted bodies...and most times,the battle ends rite there..I meekly surrender...and resort to cooking my own grand sumptous meal of...
Instant Cup Noodles,followed by..
Thayir Saadham and Pickle..

You see,my roomie and I have this arrangement..which works out fine..wherein,each one does their own cooking,and I eat both of them..he offers me a taste at times,and I insist he do that more often..

But there is the very rare occasion..that I get inspired by my roomie's multi-cusionary skills and decide to show off my talent(???) as well..the most recent one..being my tryst with making
Tomato Rasam and du'h Potato Fry..

It started off well,as always..I identified the tomatoes correctly from the red peppers..and the pot was washed and placed on the stove with tamarnid paste and water....

The potatoes were chopped down to wat i thgt was appropriate for the human-mouth to open up and swallow..then put into the fryin pan wit a generous cupful of peanut-cookin oil..and left to play its own way with fate..

Now,I thought twas time for my first break..and so,came to catch some Seinfeld on TV..first mistake...

When I went back..most of the stove..had adorned a dark-drown color..thanks to the over-flowing..leavin me wit little mix and pride to salvage..bad start,but nothin tat cant be rectified..

Tomatoes help...my wise-me echoed..and so in went two tomatoes diced up into smaller pieces..i swear,one of the pieces even looked pleadingly at me with a "Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy?"look..

No cooking is complete without a beer...dont get me wrong..twas my second break..and since the kitchen was too hot for the cool-me...i gulped down a Kirin Ichiban-- by far the best Tak-sum-boone beer ever...and went bak to the kitchen..second mistake..

The smoke there reminded me..of any Brahmin-festival..only the numerous Vaathiyaars were missing....apparently,the potatoes were losing their battle with fate...callin out to me for help...

Water cools anything..was the only voice I heard..so in went two glasses of water into the mix..and the smoke subsided..Moi was happy..see,men are natural born cooks...

My happiness was short-lived..as the potato-oil-water mix started gurgating..strange sounds and bubbles resemblin ancient potion mixes..started comin out..no time to panic..quick thinkin..and reflex action prevailed..i covered up the vessel with its lid...and started PRAYING..

Meanwhile,my roomie stepped into the kitchen for a drink..and saw my experiment in full-swing..unfortunately,it was rite then tat the rasam-like liquid started to boil over again..so,i failed to catch the astonished grin on his face..as I turned to try and salvage the rasam..sadly,after a few minutes..i gave up and all my efforts went down the drain..quite literally..as i washed down the brown-kashaayam like stuff down the kitchen sink..and washed the vessel ruefully...
Casualties of War: 30 minutes,2 tomatoes and 3 tea-spoons of thick tamarind paste.

The potato fry..or rather cry...got sooooooo attached to the pan i was cooking them in...tat tryin to seperate them..was like seperatin Romeo-Juiliet..Laila-Majnu..Surya-Jothika...and since I was a sucker for love..I let them sink...in the sink filled with soapy-water..where they live happily even now...

Well...in my defence,I was over-matched..tryin to multi-task both items at the same time..was too much for me..though I learnt a few valuable lessons that day..

• Beer during cooking..is both good and bad..good in the sense tat,it makes u hungry..and anything you can eat afterwards,seems tasty...bad in the sense,tat the "anything" u cook in the process..is injurious to your health..
• It does not help if you pray during cooking...god cannot make your potato fry taste like something edible..it mite end up tasting like feet..
• Seinfeld,Friends,Chatting,Orkut during cooking..atleast my cooking..do not mix well..at all..
• Always,always,always,....hav a ready-stock of cup-noodles..
• Make friends with your neighbors..someone mite just be makin more food tat day..
• Pizza-Hut always always stays on the speed-dial in your cell-phone..